The “King of Pop” has passed on.
Early reports of his death were widely broadcast on twitter, with initial reports coming from TMZ.com. Naked on the internet is currently researching this story due to MJ’s close “relationship” with the federal government. It has been rumored for years that he acted as an “agent of change” in American culture. His intoxicating beats and entrancing songs were a mere distraction from his hypnotizing hips. It is suspected that he was contracted to reinforce social behavior that was “expected” of American people by the CIA and the NSA.
Rest in peace Michael.
“Fine, you can have it!” said one executive of a prominent record label, “I give up, I’ll just collect unemployment like the rest of the country.” Another exec added, “I’ve been avoiding this because I thought food stamps were actual stamps, but they’re just like a credit card. As far as my neighbors know, I just swiped my Diner’s Club.”
For years, record companies have been battling free online music sharing, or pirating. They have taken numerous technological and legal steps to help slow down the amount of music illegally downloaded on the internet, but cannot tackle the problem. They have even gone as far as raiding pre-teens homes. “I thought she was just downloading pornography,” said a shocked parent.
At first glance, it appears as though a bomb has exploded in the Obama daughters bedroom. More news shortly.
Update: This just in from the White House, Malia and Sasha Obama’s room was found this morning in total chaos, toys and clothes located on the floor rather than their appropriate storage locations. There seems to be no foreign threat. The daughters are believed to not have cleaned their room today and may be penalized their $1 weekly allowance. Most people’s guess is that they won’t care about the $1.
According to Wikipedia.org and several other popular informational website page things, nucular weapons do not exist.
Nucular is a common mis-pronunciation of the word nuclear made famous by former president George W. Bush and cartoon father, Homer Simpson. The vast majority of scientists still hold firmly that nuclear weapons exist and are a great threat to the world.
Reports are coming in from sources in Pakistan that are telling NOTI that the Taliban have been looking around for some new help. Sources close to the issue indicate that the Taliban fighters have reached out to none other than Count Dracula himself.
Working with Dracula has apparently come at a high price for the Taliban, they’ve had to take new hostages for Drac and his crew to feed. The vampire crew is offering the Taliban invaluable advice and training for hiding deep within the caves in the mountains between Afghanistan and Pakistan. The two organizations working together present a significant threat to the security of the area, one American corporal that agreed to speak with anonymity was quoted saying, “So what, now to fight the terrorists I have to carry around a cross, garlic and a bunch of holy water? A few of my men are also fashioning wooden stakes, and the military is issuing crossbows. What is this? 1654?”
While the real scope of the threat remains questionable, clearly the US Military isn’t taking it lightly.
One has to wonder, however, how long before the vampires turn on their new found friends?
Early reports to nakedontheinter.net are indicating that Kim Jong Ill personally shot down the Air France Flight 447 that “disappeared” earlier this week. And yes you read that correctly, he persoanally fired the shots from a Mikoyan MiG-29 that was launched from somewhere close to the area. It is unknown how the leader was transported to the area or where the plane was launched. Sources close to Ill say that he was interested in “teaching the world a lesson” after strong reprimands from the UN.
The UN reprimands stem from North Korea’s illegal testing of a nuclear weapon and their illegal testing of short and medium range rockets.
The North Korean Government could not be reached for a comment, we don’t have their number.