Deceptive Operatives Selling Drugs to Every Third Person

It came to my attention recently that in New York (and very likely the whole world) ice cream trucks have been been stashing illegal contraband drugs. In ice cream coolers, in loose floorboards, and on the operator’s person are concealed quantities of street drugs. What, dealers working to that innocent chime, you might say?   This is exactly to the heart of their deception – salivating youth receiving a cold treat in the sweltering summer heat and the ice cream operator taking tabs on the neighborhoods in a notebook, knowing who has the money and who is hitting the streets.   Ganja, steroids and PCP now sit beside snow cones and popsicles.
We must stop this plague of despicable drug dependencies hijacking the senses of our youth!  Or, should we face the consequence, a destiny in line with the discord of the 60s, characterized by rebellion, filth and lawlessness?
Obtain your neighborhood ice cream trafficker’s operator number  - they are required to give it to you by law.   Then take down their license plate number.   Assume your local ice cream cartel is selling junk and call 311 to report them to your friendly city operator.  Don’t trust the city’s system – report 2 or 3 times.  Don’t let this disgusting trend take over beautiful America.

In a stunning turn of events, it has come to our attention that the Apollo missions may not have been faked after all.  It has been widely believed and reported that the United States government faked the moon landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s in an effort to one up the Russian space program.  Recently a satellite caught images of the landing craft that remained on the moon’s surface, above is the Apollo 11 lander.  More and higher resolution images can be seen here.

Early reports of his death were widely broadcast on twitter, with initial reports coming from TMZ.com.  Naked on the internet is currently researching this story due to MJ’s close “relationship” with the federal government.  It has been rumored for years that he acted as an “agent of change” in American culture.  His intoxicating beats and entrancing songs were a mere distraction from his hypnotizing hips.  It is suspected that he was contracted to reinforce social behavior that was “expected” of American people by the CIA and the NSA.

Rest in peace Michael.

For years, record companies have been battling free online music sharing, or pirating. They have taken numerous technological and legal steps to help slow down the amount of music illegally downloaded on the internet, but cannot tackle the problem. They have even gone as far as raiding pre-teens homes. “I thought she was just downloading pornography,” said a shocked parent.

Update: This just in from the White House, Malia and Sasha Obama’s room was found this morning in total chaos, toys and clothes located on the floor rather than their appropriate storage locations. There seems to be no foreign threat. The daughters are believed to not have cleaned their room today and may be penalized their $1 weekly allowance. Most people’s guess is that they won’t care about the $1.