For the first time in history, the Nobel Prize Committee has rebuked Barack Obama’s Peace Prize award because of “pressure from the media and their spouses.” One voter was quoted as saying, “My wife’s friends won’t stop talking about how it doesn’t really make sense to give Mr. Obama the award this year. They suggest maybe we can try again during his possible second term. Adding that a second term is likely.” NOTI suspects possible withholding of sex from the voter’s wife.
October 12, 2009
August 24, 2009
CORONER RULES JACKSON’S DEATH HOMICIDE
MSNBC is reporting that MJ’s death was a homicide. We have been reporting this for weeks. A source close to Jackson told Naked on the Internet: “MJ just wanted to smoke some weed to fall asleep, but the doc insisted on the sedatives cause they were legal, he just wanted some weed!”
August 7, 2009
Ice Cream Trucks Harbor Drug Dealers in NYC
Deceptive Operatives Selling Drugs to Every Third Person
It came to my attention recently that in New York (and very likely the whole world) ice cream trucks have been been stashing illegal contraband drugs. In ice cream coolers, in loose floorboards, and on the operator’s person are concealed quantities of street drugs. What, dealers working to that innocent chime, you might say? This is exactly to the heart of their deception – salivating youth receiving a cold treat in the sweltering summer heat and the ice cream operator taking tabs on the neighborhoods in a notebook, knowing who has the money and who is hitting the streets. Ganja, steroids and PCP now sit beside snow cones and popsicles.
We must stop this plague of despicable drug dependencies hijacking the senses of our youth! Or, should we face the consequence, a destiny in line with the discord of the 60s, characterized by rebellion, filth and lawlessness?
Obtain your neighborhood ice cream trafficker’s operator number - they are required to give it to you by law. Then take down their license plate number. Assume your local ice cream cartel is selling junk and call 311 to report them to your friendly city operator. Don’t trust the city’s system – report 2 or 3 times. Don’t let this disgusting trend take over beautiful America.
June 26, 2009
MICHAEL JACKSON PASSES AWAY AT AGE 50
The “King of Pop” has passed on.
Early reports of his death were widely broadcast on twitter, with initial reports coming from TMZ.com. Naked on the internet is currently researching this story due to MJ’s close “relationship” with the federal government. It has been rumored for years that he acted as an “agent of change” in American culture. His intoxicating beats and entrancing songs were a mere distraction from his hypnotizing hips. It is suspected that he was contracted to reinforce social behavior that was “expected” of American people by the CIA and the NSA.
Rest in peace Michael.
June 11, 2009
Record Labels Surrender over Music Piracy Debate
“Fine, you can have it!” said one executive of a prominent record label, “I give up, I’ll just collect unemployment like the rest of the country.” Another exec added, “I’ve been avoiding this because I thought food stamps were actual stamps, but they’re just like a credit card. As far as my neighbors know, I just swiped my Diner’s Club.”
For years, record companies have been battling free online music sharing, or pirating. They have taken numerous technological and legal steps to help slow down the amount of music illegally downloaded on the internet, but cannot tackle the problem. They have even gone as far as raiding pre-teens homes. “I thought she was just downloading pornography,” said a shocked parent.
June 9, 2009
Bomb Explodes in Obama Girls Room
At first glance, it appears as though a bomb has exploded in the Obama daughters bedroom. More news shortly.
Update: This just in from the White House, Malia and Sasha Obama’s room was found this morning in total chaos, toys and clothes located on the floor rather than their appropriate storage locations. There seems to be no foreign threat. The daughters are believed to not have cleaned their room today and may be penalized their $1 weekly allowance. Most people’s guess is that they won’t care about the $1.
June 8, 2009
Vampires offer assistance to Taliban… for a price.
Reports are coming in from sources in Pakistan that are telling NOTI that the Taliban have been looking around for some new help. Sources close to the issue indicate that the Taliban fighters have reached out to none other than Count Dracula himself.
Working with Dracula has apparently come at a high price for the Taliban, they’ve had to take new hostages for Drac and his crew to feed. The vampire crew is offering the Taliban invaluable advice and training for hiding deep within the caves in the mountains between Afghanistan and Pakistan. The two organizations working together present a significant threat to the security of the area, one American corporal that agreed to speak with anonymity was quoted saying, “So what, now to fight the terrorists I have to carry around a cross, garlic and a bunch of holy water? A few of my men are also fashioning wooden stakes, and the military is issuing crossbows. What is this? 1654?”
While the real scope of the threat remains questionable, clearly the US Military isn’t taking it lightly.
One has to wonder, however, how long before the vampires turn on their new found friends?
June 5, 2009
BREAKING: KIM JONG ILL, AIR FRANCE FLIGHT 447
Early reports to nakedontheinter.net are indicating that Kim Jong Ill personally shot down the Air France Flight 447 that “disappeared” earlier this week. And yes you read that correctly, he persoanally fired the shots from a Mikoyan MiG-29 that was launched from somewhere close to the area. It is unknown how the leader was transported to the area or where the plane was launched. Sources close to Ill say that he was interested in “teaching the world a lesson” after strong reprimands from the UN.
The UN reprimands stem from North Korea’s illegal testing of a nuclear weapon and their illegal testing of short and medium range rockets.
The North Korean Government could not be reached for a comment, we don’t have their number.
May 7, 2009
Popular Mascot Tests Positive for Performance Enhancing Drugs
Surprised?
The latest among Major League Baseball’s performance enhancing drug scandals involves the much loved, Wool E. Bull, of the Durham Bulls. An anonymous source contacted Naked on the Internet this afternoon, naming Wool E. as one among others yet to be released. “This is a sad day in baseball,” Seattle Mariners first baseman Mike Sweeney said referring to another more publicized PED incident in Los Angeles.
Wool E. Bull was contacted to comment, but only hung his head. No emphatic nods or hand gestures were made. Wool E. is best known for his appearance in the Tom Robbins-Kevin Costner comedy Bull Durham.
Photo Courtesy of base10 used under Flickr’s Creative Commons license.
February 3, 2009
Iran Launches Satellite – Man finds US Army Docs on IPOD rip-off
While Iran was busy launching a satellite into space using a Sarif-2 rocket, a Oklahoma man pondered the complexities of a mp3 player that contained U.S. Army documents. “The more I look at it,” said Chris Ogle, “the more I see.” In the 80s film Cloak and Daggers, a kid has a similar experience with an 8-bit cartridge for a gaming system. “Don’t worry,” Ogle had said, “it only has lists of items the army was shipping over to Iraq and Afganistan, nothing too important.”