For the first time in history, the Nobel Prize Committee has rebuked Barack Obama’s Peace Prize award because of “pressure from the media and their spouses.” One voter was quoted as saying, “My wife’s friends won’t stop talking about how it doesn’t really make sense to give Mr. Obama the award this year. They suggest maybe we can try again during his possible second term. Adding that a second term is likely.” NOTI suspects possible withholding of sex from the voter’s wife.
October 12, 2009
August 24, 2009
CORONER RULES JACKSON’S DEATH HOMICIDE
MSNBC is reporting that MJ’s death was a homicide. We have been reporting this for weeks. A source close to Jackson told Naked on the Internet: “MJ just wanted to smoke some weed to fall asleep, but the doc insisted on the sedatives cause they were legal, he just wanted some weed!”
August 7, 2009
Ice Cream Trucks Harbor Drug Dealers in NYC
Deceptive Operatives Selling Drugs to Every Third Person
It came to my attention recently that in New York (and very likely the whole world) ice cream trucks have been been stashing illegal contraband drugs. In ice cream coolers, in loose floorboards, and on the operator’s person are concealed quantities of street drugs. What, dealers working to that innocent chime, you might say? This is exactly to the heart of their deception – salivating youth receiving a cold treat in the sweltering summer heat and the ice cream operator taking tabs on the neighborhoods in a notebook, knowing who has the money and who is hitting the streets. Ganja, steroids and PCP now sit beside snow cones and popsicles.
We must stop this plague of despicable drug dependencies hijacking the senses of our youth! Or, should we face the consequence, a destiny in line with the discord of the 60s, characterized by rebellion, filth and lawlessness?
Obtain your neighborhood ice cream trafficker’s operator number - they are required to give it to you by law. Then take down their license plate number. Assume your local ice cream cartel is selling junk and call 311 to report them to your friendly city operator. Don’t trust the city’s system – report 2 or 3 times. Don’t let this disgusting trend take over beautiful America.
July 30, 2009
OBAMA CLONE OUTED
One of President Barack Obama’s clones was outed recently, after the clone was discovered he was given a cushy pharma job.
July 28, 2009
Secret US Spy Michael Jackson Actually Murdered
Dr. Conrad Murray (shown above in an archival image file), Jackson’s personal doctor, has drawn the attention of the Los Angeles Police Department and is now considered a prime suspect reports Rolling Stone. Conrad is believed to have administered a massive dose of Diprivan, a very strong anesthetic. Sources tell NOTI that Conrad was working as a double agent for the now defunct Russian KGB. Jackson’s murder is being billed as retribution for “crimes” he committed against the Russian people. It is widely believed that Jackson was able to seduce Joseph Stalin’s mistress and convince her steal the Russian secret PIN code to the national debit card. After Jackson secured the PIN he was able to withdraw untold millions and weaken the Russian economy.
July 23, 2009
Apollo Missions Not Faked After All
In a stunning turn of events, it has come to our attention that the Apollo missions may not have been faked after all. It has been widely believed and reported that the United States government faked the moon landings in the late 60’s and early 70’s in an effort to one up the Russian space program. Recently a satellite caught images of the landing craft that remained on the moon’s surface, above is the Apollo 11 lander. More and higher resolution images can be seen here.
July 9, 2009
Goldman Sachs Code Torrent
A “.rar 32MB. A distributed real-time co-located high-frequency trading platform… A very low latency (microseconds) event-driven market data processing, strategy and order submission engine.” is the description of the source code that has leaked out, probably the most valuable piece of software in the history of man. if you count bill gates out anyway.
June 26, 2009
MICHAEL JACKSON PASSES AWAY AT AGE 50
The “King of Pop” has passed on.
Early reports of his death were widely broadcast on twitter, with initial reports coming from TMZ.com. Naked on the internet is currently researching this story due to MJ’s close “relationship” with the federal government. It has been rumored for years that he acted as an “agent of change” in American culture. His intoxicating beats and entrancing songs were a mere distraction from his hypnotizing hips. It is suspected that he was contracted to reinforce social behavior that was “expected” of American people by the CIA and the NSA.
Rest in peace Michael.
June 11, 2009
Record Labels Surrender over Music Piracy Debate
“Fine, you can have it!” said one executive of a prominent record label, “I give up, I’ll just collect unemployment like the rest of the country.” Another exec added, “I’ve been avoiding this because I thought food stamps were actual stamps, but they’re just like a credit card. As far as my neighbors know, I just swiped my Diner’s Club.”
For years, record companies have been battling free online music sharing, or pirating. They have taken numerous technological and legal steps to help slow down the amount of music illegally downloaded on the internet, but cannot tackle the problem. They have even gone as far as raiding pre-teens homes. “I thought she was just downloading pornography,” said a shocked parent.
June 9, 2009
Bomb Explodes in Obama Girls Room
At first glance, it appears as though a bomb has exploded in the Obama daughters bedroom. More news shortly.
Update: This just in from the White House, Malia and Sasha Obama’s room was found this morning in total chaos, toys and clothes located on the floor rather than their appropriate storage locations. There seems to be no foreign threat. The daughters are believed to not have cleaned their room today and may be penalized their $1 weekly allowance. Most people’s guess is that they won’t care about the $1.